I have pondered over and over throughout the weekend on whether or not I should share a particular experience I had last week. Sharing spiritual thoughts is not my forte and I would much rather crack sarcastic jokes. However, there is vulnerability with sharing difficult personal experiences and blocking that would be disingenuous. But… don’t get used to it!
Being Mormon there is a lot of pressure from all angles. Since the Latter Day Saint community is a small one, everyone knows everything about you and if they don’t, they will. For me the pressure was minimal and I strived to be acutely obedient.For others the pressure is consuming and annoying which I have learned to be more sensitive to. The most rebellious thing I’ve done was get a nose piercing while working at Red Bull on a lunch break and then immediately take it out once I realized church was the next day. My mom found out about it 4 years after the fact. Oh and the occasional freshman year picture of middle fingers which now I find absoltely repulsive and trashy.
Being aware of your flaws is the first step to becoming a better person. One thing I have been steadily working on is becoming less controlling. I have this devilish quality to want to take away everyone’s free agency. Whether it is my husband, parents, baby brother, or myself, I love to have full control. This desire to be perfect and control everything has allowed me to excel in the business arena, and plummet in the personal one. As my brother gets older, I wish I could take him, put him in my pocket and make every decision for him. Because that isn’t a reality I get extremely anxious over the choices he makes.
Last week at work, I was experiencing anger mixed in with anxiety. Which I determined in actuality was fear and love. It is hard to work with customers all day when you mind is feasting on other thoughts. On my break I turned to the scriptures (well I don’t know if you turn scriptures on a smart phone but I digress) and happened upon the parable of the Prodigal Son in Luke 15. In this parable there are two siblings that may as well be my brother and I. As I read the passage I was overcome with love and comfort, finding faults in my own actions. I am so thankful for the scriptures and the gift of personal revelation. I am becoming more thankful for our free agency and the blessing to choose.
My biggest fear is to be an overbearing controlling mother and wife, which I am well on my way to becoming. I hope through my journeying the scriptures I will learn to let go and love.